Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
