I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
