RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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