no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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