wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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