you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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