My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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