note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
