Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Rumble strips road head = magical
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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