Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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