I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
