I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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