I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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