Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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