i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
