hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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