hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
