I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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