I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
