I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
