I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
