yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
