there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
