as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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