Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
