I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
