Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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