Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
