Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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