your parents love me but you hate me
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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