I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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