Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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