Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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