We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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