The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
