I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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