i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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