Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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