I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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