so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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