i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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