New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
