Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
