Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My ass is underappreciated
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
