I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
