I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
