Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
