You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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