Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
