He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
