Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just pee around me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
