we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
