im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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