I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My bed smells like the plague
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
