so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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