did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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